Things We Cannot Change
by Megan Liberty
Summary: Tags to Pyramid. EJ learns there are some things she cannot change. Like the relationship between Ziva and Tony. TIVA.


Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS.

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The shower was already on when EJ came down the hall. It figured, she just wanted to get it over with, shower for the first time since Cobb had put a garbage bag over her head and sprayed her until she felt vomit well up in her throat. She slowly discarded her clothes and slipped into the shower stall, the towel still wrapped around her body. As she pulled the shower curtain shut, she felt the first wave of shivers come over her.

The shampoo she held in her hand slipped from her grasp, and the plastic cap shattered when it hit the tiled floor, the sound echoing like a gunshot in the ladies' locker room. Tears came to her eyes and she sunk to the floor, shinking as far away as she could from the spray.

Like a bolt of lightning, another woman came out of the shower stall farthest from the hallway that led into the showers, gun drawn, not bothering to shut the water out before hap-hazzardly wrapping a towel around her lithe form.

"Everything okay?"

There was no answer.

Using the muzzle of her gun to pull back the curtain of the only other stall in-use. She took a deep breath and peeked inside, waiting for whatever evil could be thrown at her today.

"EJ?"

"I'm fine."

Ziva sighed. Her partner's girlfriend was huddled in a ball on the floor, relatively dry, shaking and crying hard enough that her breath came in gasps.

"You are not." EJ did not look at her, and Ziva peeled back the curtain all the way and turned the water off. Realizing the reaction's possible reasons, Ziva went to her stall and turned off the spray there as well, before sitting on the bench across from EJ's stall, her gun's safety back on and placed at her side.

It took the blonde a few minutes before she composed herself enough to stand, even then, her breathing was still labored.

Ziva waited, making sure to look away from the blonde. Luckily enough, she was finished anyway, just standing under the shower spray to try and relax from the long day. Her head still hurt, but it had slowed to a dull headache, and the gashes were just that, and she had no doubt they would heal soon enough.

It was one thing, the Israli-American knew, to deal with a traumatic situation. It was another terrible thing - and she knew first hand - to have a panic attack and have someone stare at you, whether they were concerned or curious. It made you feel like a a caged animal.

By the time she had come out of the stall, still a little shaky, Ziva made eye contact for a brief second.

"It is difficult," Ziva finally said softly.

"I'm fine, Agent David," She finally ground out, her cheeks a dark pink from both tears and embarassment.

Ziva sighed and made her way back into the shower stall from which she had come. "You were not the only one held captive today," she said, ignoring EJ's unspoken request to drop it. "It will get easier."

"I appreciate you trying to help, but I am fine."

"Tony will not believe you either, so you may as well face it now," Ziva threw over a towel-covered shoulder.

EJ sighed and sat on the bench, and Ziva winced as she peeled the towel off her injured shower. Blood began to seep out of the gash and Ziva cursed in a language EJ was unfamiliar with.

"Are you okay?"

Ziva looked over at EJ and nodded, the grimace from a moment ago completely gone. "I am fine," She affirmed.

"Does it not affect you?"

"The wound is not comfortable, but it is nothing I have not dealt with in the past."

"That wasn't what I meant, Agent David."

Ziva smiled just a little at this invitation to talk about what was obviously bothering her partner's significant other. "Like I said, it is nothing I have not experienced before."

"But that doesn't mean you aren't affected. I can't close my eyes without seeing-" She broke off and a shiver went down the woman's spine. Ziva wordlessly slipped on her undergarments, thankful she kept a strapless bra in her go-bag, a pair of gym shorts and an NCIS t-shirt Gibbs had given her lifetimes ago that still smelled like his cedar cologne and coffee grounds.

Ziva sat beside EJ, making eye contact before she continued, ignoring the bruises around her collarbone, wrists and ankles. "You have to focus on the reality of the situation."

"That is not always easy."

"You can control what your body feels, and you are right, it is not easy," Ziva looked at EJ, and EJ noted some depth to the woman's eyes that she had never seen before. "You have to focus on the fact that he is dead, and he cannot and will not come back."

"That does not make this any easier," EJ said.

The dark haired woman stood and walked to the shower stall from which EJ had exited, turning it back on before coming back and sitting down.

"Does it frighten you?"

"Only if I close my eyes," The blonde conceded.

Ziva nodded. "Close them."

"Is this some sort of therapy session?"

"You can do this with a psychiatrist," Ziva said carefully. "I will tell you that you do not want to, it is unpleasant. The sooner you confront it, the less it will control you."

EJ closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, beginning to shake again.

"It is alright," Ziva said roughly, not as capable of being reassuring as some of her other team members.

"You don't know what this feels like," EJ whispered, and opened her eyes, breathing heavily.

"You thought you were going to die."

"Yes."

Ziva stood and walked toward one of the four sinks on the opposite side of the showers, assessing her wounds in the mirror before making eye contact with EJ's reflecition. "That is a frightening realization if you do not welcome it."

"Have you ever-"

"I have," Ziva said softly. "Tony tried to talk to you, did he not?"

"Yeah, but he doesn't understand-"

"You should let him." Ziva turned around. "He may be a goofball, but he does care about you. He would gladly talk about anything that bothers you."

"And you would know?"

"I would." Ziva waited, and EJ's face gave away her discontent. She wanted Ziva to explain.

"He said that it was different for some of them," EJ began. "That you were different for some of them. Your being taken."

Ziva nodded in understanding. "Tony and I have a-" Looking for the word, she faultered slightly. "Our relationship as partners is something he does not take for granted."

"And he has told you this?"

"He does not have to."

"So what? You two used to be lovers?"

"This is not about my relationship with Tony," Ziva hissed. "It is about you dealing with what Leiutenant Cobb did to you."

"What about what he did to you? You don't seem to be all that concerned."

"I am not. I am worried about what he did to you, Agent Barrett. It is not reasonable to live in fear of a dead man."

"How would you know?"

"I have been there, myself." Ziva met the blonde agent's eyes. "Look, I understand we are not exactly friends. But I understand that Tony does care about you. All things considered, if you will not speak to him about it, I am the next best person."

"So he put you up to this?"

"Your panic attack put me up to this. Tony does not know that I am speaking to you about what happened."

"And if he did?" Her inquisitive glare made Ziva smirk.

"He would not believe it."

"Is it unreasonable for me to be like this, Agent David?"

"Ziva," the woman breathed back in a low tone. "Call me Ziva."

"Okay, Ziva," EJ pulled the towel tighter around her slim figure. "Tell me. Am I acting unreasonable?"

"Not at all." Ziva looked beyond EJ toward the hallway. "I told you that it is never easy."

EJ closed her eyes and sighed, "Why didn't he just finish me off? He had so many chances."

Ziva saw the red line that still existed on her throat from the marker line Cobb had traced along her neck. "You cannot wonder why or how. It is what it is. You are alive, and he is not. Justice as a funny way of prevailing."

"You don't understand."

"I do, more than you think."

"How so?"

Ziva smirked. "Did Tony ever tell you about his old cases?"

"Not really. He said some had been tough."

"He never mentioned Saleem Ulman?"

"The terrorist? I heard he was shot by Special Agent Gibbs."

"Yes."

"And Tony had a hand in it?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"You should really ask him. After you shower." Ziva smiled as EJ looked toward the stall. "It has been on all this time. You should be able to take a quick one."

"Ziva, I.."

"Sometimes it is also helpful not to focus on that which terrifies you, but to be exposed to it in a way you do not realize it is happening right next to you."

"Thank you."

Ziva nodded, dismissing it with a wave of her hand. "Do not mention it."

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EJ looked over at Tony, watching as he drove her back to her place. "Do you need me to stay with you tonight?"

She shook her head. "I'll be alright." She looked out the window. "So, I talked to Ziva today."

Tony's head nearly spun a full three hundred and sixty degrees to face her. "Where?"

"In the locker room. I kinda had a meltdown." Tony's eyes lit with concern. "But it was okay. She helped me out. But she mentioned some things that made me wonder."

"Like?" Tony focused on the road ahead, wondering how his partner and his girlfriend could be in one place for any period of time without killing each other. After all, he had waited for EJ for over an hour. Had they talked all that time?

EJ looked back at him. "Well, you said it was different for some of you when it came to Ziva. I asked her about it, and she said you didn't take her for granted. Then she mentioned something about Saleem Ulman that I didn't quite follow."

The color drained from Tony's face as she went on. That was not Ziva, to mention something like that, much less to EJ. "You must have really been upset, if she went there," he finally said, realizing that she was looking at her.

"She got a little defensive when I told her I didn't want to talk to you. She said I really should."

"I'm here, if you want to."

"I'm fine, Tony. Really." EJ put a hand on his shoulder. "Ziva helped me through the worst of it, it's just gonna take some time. That's why I think I'm gonna head back to Virginia for a little bit to see my family."

Tony nodded. "That sounds like a good idea."

"So, about what I was saying," EJ redirected, noticing Tony's futile attempts to derail the conversation. "What happened between you and Ziva. I see your wordless conversations and all that," She added. "Let's face it, this was good while it lasted, but it was just a fling. Good sex, and a couple of dinner dates. No harm done, but it's apparent that you guys have a bond that you do not want to tell me about."

"Why do you care?"

"Because it pisses me off that you sleep with me, take me out," Pausing, she thinks about how to proceed. "We're practically in a relationship, and I can tell Ziva's really close with you. How is it that we talk about everything but her, about the job - except for where Gibbs is going to magically kill us for breaking his rules-"

"Hey, Gibbs knows everything. You should know that by now," he interjects, surprised that after all this time she still doubts _The _Leroy Jethro Gibbs. That man is a legend. Not even Chuck Norris stood a chance against him.

"Anyway, spill."

"Where would you like me to start?" Tony says, running a hand through his hair.

EJ shruggs. "Earlier today. What did that mean? Ziva said you don't take her for granted."

"Almost lost her. Couple times." His voice is husky, his eyes slightly glossy.

"Go on.."

He didn't know exactly how to say it without severely pissing off the woman next to him. He made a left and pulled up in front of their apartment. "Ziva was mossad."

"I know. My uncle's SECNAV."

"Then why are you asking this?" He almost yells, annoyed. "Ziva and I are close. We're _partners._"

"You went bezerk earlier over her."

"I spent three months believing she was dead, while some Caf-Pow! obsessed freak was torturing her within an inch of her life. I nearly got myself killed trying to kill the guy who supposedly killed her. I killed her last boyfriend before CIRay and she nearly shot me. Happy?"

"Not really. Why would you do that?"

"Because she's my best friend, EJ." He sighs. "I couldn't do it without her. Something inside me snapped. She's different."

"You love her."

"Maybe I do."

EJ suddenly felt uncomfortable. "How did she take it?"

"It took her a long time, but she was okay." Tony sighed. "You don't know what it's like. She's my partner, and she's my friend, and she just understands. I don't have to explain everything, and I know she can't find the words half the time. But it works, because, it just does."

"She knew what to do for me."

"She's been tortured like you were before. Waterboarding and all that other jazz. She's seen it all."

"She doesn't act like it."

"She's guarded." Tony paused. "Why do you care?"

"Because I do. I want to know what I couldn't compete with."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it's obvious. No harm done, really," she continues. "We had a good time, and it ticks me off a little, because if I knew, I would've told you to chase her, instead of fuck around with me." She smiled. "Not that the sex wasn't anything but wonderful, I just know that I'm not the one for you, and when I saw what I saw earlier, I realized that there's no way I could ever compete for that. I know you care about me, but, we're just friends. There are somethings we can't change. You and me can't be more than fuck buddies. It won't change, and we both know it."

Tony shrugged, not as hurt by that as he expected to be.

"So friends?" He said, extending a hand, brushing off the awkwardness with a goofy smile.

They shook.

Tony dropped her off, and sighed when she was inside her apartment building.

CI-Ray officially had some competition.


End file.
